Hello and welcome back to A Bowl of Oatmeal where you host barely posts but still loves you. Listen, I want to post .. I think i just overthink it and then avoid it. I did, however, look at my last posting date and it’s been like a month. So maybe this is a monthly blog? Yearly blog? Oh Universe, who knows?
Today’s topic is something that I have had to deal with far too much. My plan is not to tell you details or names, just know I’ve had my fair share of loss and am somewhat of an expert. An expert in a topic I never wanted to be. But alas, we’re here and if my stories can help you .. maybe it’s all worth it. Or at least a little. The idea of loss can be triggering, so please feel free to skip over if needed. I won’t take it personally, promise.
I will first come out and say that, although I’m sure the stages of grief are true and scientifically proven, I am not going to be using them here. I am simply going to tell you what has worked for me, what struggles are worse than others, how to push through and come out on the other side. Actually, let’s re-word that because I don’t think there is such thing as “coming out on the other side”. I think it’s more navigating the new life you are left with. Yeah, that seems right.
I want my first note to be to feel your feelings. I have gone down the two roads that you can when you lose someone. I have avoided those feelings and embraced them. I was much healthier when I chose the latter, though it’s way fucking harder. (Yeah .. I said the f word. I can .. it’s my blog).
Let’s compare this to something else. If you were to hurt a body part .. let’s go with ankles because I also know way to much about hurting those things. I have done both go to the doctor for a sprain and have done nothing. Guess which healed quicker? I won’t make you guess; it was the one that I acknowledged got help for. Although there are some weird bone things floating around in there. I saw them on an x-ray. Let me know if you want to see it. It’s weird.
The feelings when it comes to loss are HEAVY. It takes over you. It punches you in the chest. You can’t breathe, move, make words or exist at times. This is where the easy option is to avoid the feelings. Pretend they don’t exist. What feelings? What happened? Nothing. They’re gone. We move on. This is the beginning of a tornado you do not want to create, my friend. Yes, they are uncomfortable. Yes, it’s going to be a while until you feel better. Yes, you may never be the same. Yes to all of it. But heres the thing, friends, wether or not you acknowledge it doesn’t change the fact that it happened.
“But, A, it hurts too much all at once.” Of course it does, my little Oatie. Here is what has worked for me:
1. Let it wash over you. Let the feelings punch you in the chest. Cry, scream, fall, let your body do what it needs to do. It gets intense .. let it. When you feel like it’s too much and you really can’t handle more, try to picture putting those feelings in a box. Don’t tape the box shut, just do the things where you fold in the sides to make it a cool square thing. You’re going to come back to it.
2. Once your body calms down, try to focus on something else. Drink some water, eat something if you can, lay down and rest, watch TV, drink more water. Talk to a friend or family member, read a book. Anything really to clear your mind.
3. The feeling will naturally come back and you’ll peek into the box and choose how much you can handle in that moment. Choose one thing if you can. Go back to number one. Feel the feels.
4. Self care. Baby, you need it. Shower, put on a mask, drink more water, light a candle. Try to do these things mindfully (we’ll touch on mindfulness in a future post).
5. Make sure you are reaching out to your support team. This could mean your therapist, best friend, family, dog, whatever that is. Don’t try to navigate this alone. You can’t. You need people and things.
6. Try your best to keep showering, getting dressed, brushing your teeth. If you can’t, that’s okay. If you can get one done? I’m proud of you. In fact, I’m always proud of you.
Here’s where things start to suck again .. the services. In my experience I tend to start to heal a little bit in the next few days after the original bomb. I’m trying my best to stay afloat and am my brain is starting to figure it out a bit more. Then .. boom .. it all comes back again when you get around family and friends. The flood gates open. You see that cousin that you haven’t seen in a while but you always had a great relationship. You see your person’s husband, wife, children, best friends .. people who are also hurting. My advice for this one it to, once again, feel it .. to a point. You can’t really full out lose your shit here because, well, it’s just not the place. After though? Lose it in your car or when you get home. Do not suppress this feeling. It’s important.
If you do chose the route where you don’t feel anything and pretend everything is totally cool, it will sneak up on you later. Your husband will find you crying on the couch 4 years after the passing (if that sounds really specific, it is). You can’t hide from the grief .. it’s coming whether you want it or not. You have a better chance of working it through in a healthy way if you experience it in real time.
After things calm down, because they will, things will go back to whatever the new “normal” is. People stop calling to check in on you, you’ve run out of casseroles and the flowers that kind of brightened up the place are now slimy and begging for the trash. You’re still going to need help here. Try to figure out what works for you. I have used the following that work for me .. maybe they’ll help you too:
1. Meditation. I use Headspace and they have a course on grieving which I feel is helpful
2. Write down memories. You’ll remember things that you didn’t realize. For me, these have come from the meditation. Often memories will become distant in the future. You want to write these down so you don’t forget.
3. Gather photos. Even if you can’t look at them yet .. you’ll want to eventually
4. Go to therapy. I attend therapy every week but if you don’t, find someone who can get you through this time. It’s hard to navigate. You don’t have to do it alone, babe. Use the resources that exist.
One of the funnier things is that, even years later, it can hit you. Let that happen. Sometimes I’ll get emotional when something really great happens. That one took me by surprise. I guess I just wish they were here to experience it with me. The sadness will also creep in on a random Tuesday at 2pm when you’re at work. Take a walk if you can, look at pictures of puppies, experience what you can in those moments.
If you have related to any of this, or have to use these in the future, I want to extend my deepest condolences. There really isn’t anything else I can say, whatever way you slice it, it sucks. I love you.
This one was heavy and one that I have been avoiding but it is also a huge part of my life and journey. I don’t know if I did a good job here but I tried. Maybe there will be another one in the future .. wait like a year though. We know my track record.
Love and light,
A
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