Category Archives: Uncategorized

Hello and welcome back to A Bowl of Oatmeal where you host barely posts but still loves you. Listen, I want to post .. I think i just overthink it and then avoid it. I did, however, look at my last posting date and it’s been like a month. So maybe this is a monthly blog? Yearly blog? Oh Universe, who knows?

Today’s topic is something that I have had to deal with far too much. My plan is not to tell you details or names, just know I’ve had my fair share of loss and am somewhat of an expert. An expert in a topic I never wanted to be. But alas, we’re here and if my stories can help you .. maybe it’s all worth it. Or at least a little. The idea of loss can be triggering, so please feel free to skip over if needed. I won’t take it personally, promise.

I will first come out and say that, although I’m sure the stages of grief are true and scientifically proven, I am not going to be using them here. I am simply going to tell you what has worked for me, what struggles are worse than others, how to push through and come out on the other side. Actually, let’s re-word that because I don’t think there is such thing as “coming out on the other side”. I think it’s more navigating the new life you are left with. Yeah, that seems right.

I want my first note to be to feel your feelings. I have gone down the two roads that you can when you lose someone. I have avoided those feelings and embraced them. I was much healthier when I chose the latter, though it’s way fucking harder. (Yeah .. I said the f word. I can .. it’s my blog).

Let’s compare this to something else. If you were to hurt a body part .. let’s go with ankles because I also know way to much about hurting those things. I have done both go to the doctor for a sprain and have done nothing. Guess which healed quicker? I won’t make you guess; it was the one that I acknowledged got help for. Although there are some weird bone things floating around in there. I saw them on an x-ray. Let me know if you want to see it. It’s weird.

The feelings when it comes to loss are HEAVY. It takes over you. It punches you in the chest. You can’t breathe, move, make words or exist at times. This is where the easy option is to avoid the feelings. Pretend they don’t exist. What feelings? What happened? Nothing. They’re gone. We move on. This is the beginning of a tornado you do not want to create, my friend. Yes, they are uncomfortable. Yes, it’s going to be a while until you feel better. Yes, you may never be the same. Yes to all of it. But heres the thing, friends, wether or not you acknowledge it doesn’t change the fact that it happened.

“But, A, it hurts too much all at once.” Of course it does, my little Oatie. Here is what has worked for me:
1. Let it wash over you. Let the feelings punch you in the chest. Cry, scream, fall, let your body do what it needs to do. It gets intense .. let it. When you feel like it’s too much and you really can’t handle more, try to picture putting those feelings in a box. Don’t tape the box shut, just do the things where you fold in the sides to make it a cool square thing. You’re going to come back to it.
2. Once your body calms down, try to focus on something else. Drink some water, eat something if you can, lay down and rest, watch TV, drink more water. Talk to a friend or family member, read a book. Anything really to clear your mind.
3. The feeling will naturally come back and you’ll peek into the box and choose how much you can handle in that moment. Choose one thing if you can. Go back to number one. Feel the feels.
4. Self care. Baby, you need it. Shower, put on a mask, drink more water, light a candle. Try to do these things mindfully (we’ll touch on mindfulness in a future post).
5. Make sure you are reaching out to your support team. This could mean your therapist, best friend, family, dog, whatever that is. Don’t try to navigate this alone. You can’t. You need people and things.
6. Try your best to keep showering, getting dressed, brushing your teeth. If you can’t, that’s okay. If you can get one done? I’m proud of you. In fact, I’m always proud of you.

Here’s where things start to suck again .. the services. In my experience I tend to start to heal a little bit in the next few days after the original bomb. I’m trying my best to stay afloat and am my brain is starting to figure it out a bit more. Then .. boom .. it all comes back again when you get around family and friends. The flood gates open. You see that cousin that you haven’t seen in a while but you always had a great relationship. You see your person’s husband, wife, children, best friends .. people who are also hurting. My advice for this one it to, once again, feel it .. to a point. You can’t really full out lose your shit here because, well, it’s just not the place. After though? Lose it in your car or when you get home. Do not suppress this feeling. It’s important.

If you do chose the route where you don’t feel anything and pretend everything is totally cool, it will sneak up on you later. Your husband will find you crying on the couch 4 years after the passing (if that sounds really specific, it is). You can’t hide from the grief .. it’s coming whether you want it or not. You have a better chance of working it through in a healthy way if you experience it in real time.

After things calm down, because they will, things will go back to whatever the new “normal” is. People stop calling to check in on you, you’ve run out of casseroles and the flowers that kind of brightened up the place are now slimy and begging for the trash. You’re still going to need help here. Try to figure out what works for you. I have used the following that work for me .. maybe they’ll help you too:
1. Meditation. I use Headspace and they have a course on grieving which I feel is helpful
2. Write down memories. You’ll remember things that you didn’t realize. For me, these have come from the meditation. Often memories will become distant in the future. You want to write these down so you don’t forget.
3. Gather photos. Even if you can’t look at them yet .. you’ll want to eventually
4. Go to therapy. I attend therapy every week but if you don’t, find someone who can get you through this time. It’s hard to navigate. You don’t have to do it alone, babe. Use the resources that exist.

One of the funnier things is that, even years later, it can hit you. Let that happen. Sometimes I’ll get emotional when something really great happens. That one took me by surprise. I guess I just wish they were here to experience it with me. The sadness will also creep in on a random Tuesday at 2pm when you’re at work. Take a walk if you can, look at pictures of puppies, experience what you can in those moments.

If you have related to any of this, or have to use these in the future, I want to extend my deepest condolences. There really isn’t anything else I can say, whatever way you slice it, it sucks. I love you.

This one was heavy and one that I have been avoiding but it is also a huge part of my life and journey. I don’t know if I did a good job here but I tried. Maybe there will be another one in the future .. wait like a year though. We know my track record.

Love and light,
A

Where have I been? Oh lord .. who knows really? A little here, a little there, little up, little down.

I really wanted to keep up with this blog. I wanted it to be something. When I do write people tend to enjoy it. I think that I wanted to be in a place where I could provide content before opening this thing up again. To be honest, I don’t know if I am completely ready and I think that is just fine. I often think about what I would tell someone else in my shoes (after all, we are kinder to others aren’t we?) and I think I would tell them to go for it. So here I am, going for it.

A lot has happened since my last post that I will get into in some other posts in the future. Let’s give you some CliffNotes version (do people us CliffNotes anymore? I remember my brother’s friend Cliff dressing up as CliffNotes for halloween one year but that’s the extent of my understanding). Actually, lets make a list. I like lists:
1. I graduated with my Associates Degree and gave the commencement speech at said graduation
2. Had a falling out
3. Tim and I moved to Beverly from Salem
4. Some Phish shows sprinkled in there
5. I went in patient again
6. Smoothed over said falling out
7. We moved back to Salem
8. My therapist had to take a break for a bit
9. I kind of changed my name
10. We’re preparing for a Vegas trip

Wait a hot ass minute .. what was number 5?! One of my closest friends calls this “burying the lead” meaning that I kind of hide important topics in the mundane of a conversation. I’m good at that. I would like to think of it as adding a little spice. I like to think of it as a lil surprise.

I did have to go back into the hospital for some additional help for 16 days. I promise that I will get to that in another post. With my track record on here it will probably be in 2 years but I’ll get there. Just know that I am mostly okay and am better than I once was. It was the best decision that I could have made for myself, my family and the world as a whole.

Number 9 seems wild too. I changed my name?! Not officially, but I’m trying it on for size and really liking it. New name is .. drumroll .. Seroquel (you are what you eat). Kidding, of course. I chose “A”. It’s simple, hard to misspell and easy to remember. I like to think of it as a strong name and it’s something that feels right to me as I continue to evolve. Will it change? Maybe. But for now, I’m A and it is so nice to meet you.

I think I will end there for now. This was more of a check in / relaunch. I did forget how much I like writing and this was relaxing and cathartic. What comes next? More writing I hope. More evolving and exploring. More time with friends and family. More loving on the sweet horse I lease. More slowing down and more checking in.

For those still sticking it out with me, thank you. You truly are lovely.

Love and light,
A

That bitch is craaaaaaaaazy!

When I first got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 I was two things at the same time: relieved to have a diagnoses and embarrassed of said diagnoses. I always knew that there was something wrong with me .. wrong is a dirty word. Let me try again. I always knew that there was something different about me. I had no verbiage for it yet so to hear “Bipolar 2” come out of my new psychiatrist’s mouth was so incredibly validating.

Then the shock set in. Holy shit. I’m Bipolar. I’m crazy. People are going to run away from me. Can I lose my job over this? Don’t tell anyone! Be quiet. Shut UP! If people find out they won’t want to be around me anymore.

I literally thought I was going to lose my job .. that is how much stigma surrounded mental health 10 years ago. I was still a CNA at the time so I thought that they wouldn’t want someone like me taking care of Alzheimer’s patients. I was, obviously, wrong. I confided in my closest work friend and told her that I was diagnosed and that I was scared I was going to get fired. She very quickly, and lovingly, shut me down saying: “who cares?” Huh .. I hadn’t thought about that.

After that I slowly started to talk about it in passing. Everyone was so accepting and loving and truly no one cared. There was a time when someone said that they didn’t believe in mental illnesses (once again .. this was 10 years ago) and I stood proud and said “Well, I have Bipolar and I’m fine.” I think that was the first person that I educated. It felt good.

I am in no way saying that you have to scream it from the rooftops but you never know who you might educate by being open. OR who you might help!

I have been through a lot of education, medication, programs, therapy, worksheets, books, and coping tools so I am more comfortable than most telling my story. Some of it isn’t pretty and I think that continuing to talk about it helps me too.

Making this blog was a huge step. I am sharing my story and being open to anyone who reads this. That could mean friends, family, people I went to high school with, that random girl who I thought was a different girl but we’re still Facebook friends. That could be weird, but mostly it feels empowering.

The “net net” (hi vanessa) is that mental illness doesn’t have to be hidden. If you are a more private individual, that’s cool, but one shouldn’t be scared to tell your story. Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

love will carry you through

It’s been a while. My last post was about the beginning of quarantine! I have decided to dust this old blog off and see if I still got it.

“Finding the right cocktail” isn’t referring to jack and coke or a sex on the beach (I think I got a hangover just typing that). It is the loving term given to the medication that you are prescribed and use to stay stable and mentally healthy.

I had a good friend reach out to me yesterday regarding a medication that she was recently prescribed and she said that she was feeling more anxious on it .. that it wasn’t helping but making things worse and she asked if I had any experience with this. Boy do I!

Being prescribed medication and hoping that it will work and it doesn’t is one of the most difficult parts of walking through life with a mental illness, especially if you are in crisis. There is this really fun dance that you do with your prescriber that goes a little something like this:

Step one: Put your left foot out.
Step two: Apologize for the awful joke.

The Medication Tango
1. Meet with your prescriber and tell them of your ailments
2. Get prescribed something that may help
3. Wait 2 weeks
4. Figure out if it works. If you’re feeling better .. great! Keep on keeping on. If not …
5. Back to stage 1

It’s easy to get frustrated when something doesn’t work. I remember crying because I didn’t want to go back to step one. I wanted to just be okay. Why couldn’t I just be okay?

Here is the story that I shared with my good friend yesterday that made her feel a little better and maybe it can help you too:
When I was at my lowest and was beginning my journey of going to inpatient care (see blog entry a few down from this one) I was grasping at straws. I went and saw my prescriber and he prescribed me Abilify. Dear lord did I need this to work. It didn’t. I got all of the side effects. I woke up shaking, more confused, sick and scared than ever before. Damnit. Back to the drawing board.

The drawing board in this particular case was me going to Butler where all of my medications changed. I had a medication overhaul which was scary but I have been mostly stable on this cocktail ever since. You’re always going to have some breakthrough symptoms but that’s when you use tools in your toolbox to get through. I’ll eventually go through a list of things that help me (hopefully it won’t take 2 years).

The bottom line is that you are always going to be okay. There is always something that will work. You just have to be patient which is way easier said than done. Just keeping being honest with your prescriber and therapist about how you are feeling. Never stop talking. Take your medication as prescribed and don’t stop something without consulting your prescriber. Make sure to keep all appointments with your prescriber so that you always have refills of your medications and don’t allow yourself to run out. It may be a difficult dance but its worth it.

Run like an antelope out of control.

Okay, shit has gotten pretty scary in the world as of late. I’ve been avoiding making this post because I’ve been stressed and trying to keep calm. At this point we have been in quarantine for about three weeks and there has been so many unknowns. For people with anxiety this can seem like our worst nightmare. In this post I will be focusing fully on what I am finding works for me during this difficult time.

I am not going to go into facts and stats as I am not a professional on any of this. Here is a list of tips and tricks that I have found that are making this quarantine a little easier for me:

• Staying Up to Date
  If you do want to be in the know and keep updated then I would suggest choosing 2-3 websites that are reputable. For me these include NPR and the CDC. Another good idea is to limit yourself to how much you are viewing these things as some of the information can be scary. I check in about 2-3 times per week.
• Make a Schedule
  I am quarantining mostly alone because my fiance is an essential worker. This leaves me a bit lonely. Designing a schedule and sticking to it can be very helpful. This can include things like taking a walk, self care, crafting, cleaning, baking, meditating and resting.
• Calling Friends and Family
  Facetime has been my savior for when I get lonely. We have a lot of technology now and even though we are not physically together we are also not alone.
• Binge Netflix
  Aint nothin wrong with a full day of watching TV or a movie. Don’t make it habit, but treat yoself love!
• Stay In Touch With Your Therapist
  I still see Jen twice a week through video chat. Yeah, it’s not the same but it helps. She is still helping me through a lot of my anxiety.
• Self Care
  I recently wrote down a bunch of different self care ideas and put them all in a small teapot. I’ll chose one at random and give myself a little pick me up as needed.
• Medications
  Make sure you are still taking your medication as prescribed. It is imperative. If you have medication that you can take as needed don’t be afraid to take them if you’re feeling some type of way. Make sure that you don’t run out and call prescriptions into your pharmacy when you’re running low.
• Learn Something New
  Take this time to research something that has always interested you. Order some crafts off of amazon or Etsy. Learn a new language from Duolingo. There has to be something that you have put off doing, maybe now is the time!
• Practice What You’re Going to Order When You Can Finally Go Out to Dinner
  What? I want tacos.

There are so many things that have changed and right now this is our “new normal”. We have to adapt so that we can push through together. Quarantine means staying home so that we can #flattenthecurve. The more we pay attention to the guidelines set out for us, the quicker we will be able to enjoy each other again. This is not going to last forever. Try your best to focus on what you can control and make a list if that helps. I’ll be back to touch on some more things and go into detail on others in the days to come. Stay safe out there and wash ya damn hands.

Everything’s right so just hold tight

Sometimes motivation is hard to come by when you’re feeling low. Depression and anxiety can take a lot out of a person. It can affect sleep and/or the quality of sleep if you can get any at all. Even when taking prescribed medication to help you get rest it can still be difficult. Truthfully, it can be normal to wake up from a great night sleep and still feel fatigued.

When feeling anxiety or depression your mind is constantly working whether you notice it or not. Your brain can be hyperactive and working overtime making you feel tired even after that beautiful 8 hour slumber. Seriously a pain in the ass.

I know that so much of the time I am exhausted. It’s incredibly frustrating to try to force myself to get motivated. I want to clean my apartment. I want to do laundry so that my family has clean clothes. I want to cook myself a nutritious lunch. I want to do those dishes that have been looking at me funny for the past two days. I haven’t been working a job in a few months so it can be so frustrating to lack motivation. I take it out of myself. I feel awful when my fiance comes home and I haven’t moved from the couch. I am so lucky that he is supportive and will pick up the slack when needed. Nonetheless I feel guilt.

I’m not alone in feeling this way, and neither are you. It is incredibly common. I have spoken with my therapist regarding this situation and have taken courses on it when I was attending an outpatient program. There are a few things that you can do that will help you get back on the horse:

Ten Minute Rule
Those dishes that are looking at you sideways? Let’s do them! Set a timer for ten minutes. For those ten minutes put on some music or a podcast and do those damn dishes. Fold that laundry. Start freshening up the bathroom. Chose any one thing that needs to be done. When the timer goes off feel free to stop and go rest. It’ll go by quick, I promise. You’ve done something productive! Give yourself some credit. I’m proud of you. If the timer goes off and you have two dishes left, you may as well finish it off. Boom. Done. You’re a bad bitch.

Make Your Bed
This takes less than five minutes. Afterwards, though, you’ll feel like the Goddess that you are. This could also stop you from crawling back in there and isolating yourself. You don’t have to do this everyday, of course. Wanna know a secret? I’m in bed writing this right now. Some days are better than others. I’m fine, just tired. Plus, I changed my sheets and made my bed yesterday. That, right there, is a win my friends.

Use a Reward System
So when you do get some motivation to do something, reward yourself. Mine is usually going to lay back down for a little longer. Watch a show. Play Mario on the Wii. Anything that you enjoy. Have a snack. You deserve it, you beautiful human.

Get Your Body In Motion
Take a walk if it’s nice outside. Stretch or do some yoga. When you finish up, your body may want to stay in motion and you can do for an errand or a chore.

I’m sure there are may others tips that could work as well. These are the ones that work best for me. Experiment with different methods. Eventually, you’ll create a habit of doing these small things. Making a list helps. Put one things on that list. Start small. Don’t forget to give yourself credit. That rut that you’re stuck in? It won’t last forever. Keep trying, never give up. You are worth it!

“Set the gearshift for the high gear of your soul”

When I first realized that I needed serious help and couldn’t fight alone anymore it was extremely scary. I wasn’t sure what to do or where to go, all I knew was that I needed help. I had been struggling on and off for a long time by myself. It wasn’t until I was about 23 years old that I came to this realization. At that point having a mental illness was still very taboo. I googled and found the first psychiatrist that would see me. I remember being curled up in the waiting room waiting for my name to be called. It was this psychiatrist that diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. It was also this woman who suggested I talk to someone. This is where my experience with a therapist begins.

I’ve seen quite a few therapists since then and was lucky to find people who I was able to jive with. However, it wasn’t until recently that I realized that choosing the right therapist is incredibly important. You have to advocate for yourself and really know yourself and what your feelings are as well as what goals you would like to achieve. Do your research. Psychologytoday.com is a wonderful place to start. They add their backgrounds and what they specialize in so you can see if it is a good fit.

After moving to Salem from Rhode Island I was lost. Like real lost. Empty, scared and confused. I hadn’t set up finding a therapist here (party foul) and didn’t have a support group here. I ended up having to back to Rhode Island and live with my parents (shout out to having a supportive family) and go back into an outpatient program. While I was there I did my research and began my quest to find a good therapist.

This, my friends, is when I found Jen (insert angels singing here). She was professional, caring, and took her job seriously. We did a phone interview to get to know each other and see if we were a good fit for each other. She said if we didn’t end up jiving she would help me find someone else who could further help me. Holy shit, I had hit the jackpot. She is just a walk away from my apartment! She has helped me learn more about myself. She helps me make progress. I leave our sessions feeling like I’ve done something good. She takes the weight off my chest. Some sessions are better than others but we always end positively and she’ll even give me some “homework” to do in between sessions. I’m blessed to have her in my life.

The point is .. find yourself a Jen. If you meet with a therapist, I would recommend seeing them a few times before making a decision if you want to continue seeing them. It is also important to make sure that they have the time slots you need. You don’t want to exchange good vibes with a therapist when they only have 10am appointments and you don’t get out of work until 4. If it’s not a good fit .. move on baby! You’re not going to hurt their feelings or upset them. They want what’s best for you too! Keep it moving and find your person. They exist, they’re out there. Advocate for yourself and keep talking. You can do this!

The trick was to surrender to the flow

Sometimes even when you take so many steps forward its possible to take some steps back. Recognizing these setbacks and advocating for yourself when you do experience them is key. Sometimes you need a little extra help, even if you don’t have a mental illness.

A few months ago I found myself in a bit of a pickle. I have made leaps and bounds in my journey and it was a real bummer that I felt as if I was losing myself again. I was feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and this led to my brain trying to help me out by disassociating. Disassociating is a detachment from your immediate surroundings making you feel like a zombie or sorts. It’s quite scary and can lead to isolation, anxiety, depression and other hardships. I am so lucky that I have so many people in my support system. I have a wonderful therapist here in Salem as well as an amazing prescriber who both thought that it was a good idea that I go back into an outpatient program.

Going back into the outpatient program was really difficult for me. I thought that I was past the point of needing treatment of this kind. I felt embarrassment that I had to go back again. Looking back, I recognize that emotion was a normal reaction but that I shouldn’t have been embarassed and you shouldn’t either if you ever find that you have relapsed back into your illness. It is normal and sometimes unavoidable.

Speaking of having a great support system, I had to move back to Rhode Island to live with my parents for the few weeks that I was attending the program. My parents are wonderful souls who don’t even blink if I need some help. They always make sure that I am comfortable and fed and create a great environment to heal. My father even brought me to treatment everyday. I should mention that it was about 45 minutes out of his way. What a gem he is. I wouldn’t trade the conversations I had with him on the way there for anything. At night my parents and I would sit down to eat and they would help me through my tough time. I am forever grateful.

During my time at the program I realized that I needed to step away from my job and really focus on getting myself better mentally. This was heartbreaking for me. I loved my job and I loved my coworkers. They were so understanding and I am so lucky that they are such loving and caring people.

So as of right now I am going to therapy twice a week, enjoying my great group of friends and taking time to heal with my amazing fiance. I am getting better and working hard to stay that way. I am studying my mental illness with the help of my therapist. Knowledge is, in fact, power. Salem has been crazy during this spooky season which has been a fun distraction.

To wrap this up, I think that it is important to keep checking in with yourself. Stay on top things and don’t ever feel negatively about asking for extra help. Only you know how you are feeling and you need to be sure to listen to your body and mind.

Just relax, your’re doing fine.

I am so sorry for not really keeping up with the blog. I’m still on board I promise. I’ve just been super busy and you’ll understand why in this post.

So it finally happened! My boyfriend of almost 5 years has asked me to marry him. I just find it so crazy that I am of age to be someone’s wife .. time passes so quickly. We have been through a lot together and have known for quite some time that we were meant to be together forever (sappy). When I was at my lowest, he was there with me, he was scared with me and he was my rock. He watched as I had to go inpatient, visited me everyday at the hospital and never lost hope. We have mourned losses together, we have been there for each other through dark times and have enjoyed some of the best times in my life. He has never given up on me and I have never given up on him. My mom has told me that a relationship is rarely ever 50/50. Sometimes you have to put in a little extra and hold your partner together and sometimes they will do the same. I am so excited to plan the wedding and take our relationship to the next level.

He proposed to me on July 5th in our living room about 2 hours before we attended a Phish show at Fenway Park in Boston. It was intimate, emotional, personal and everything that I could have ever wanted. We went to the Phish show on cloud nine and the band did not disappoint. We had floor seats which is always amazing and got to see so many friends who were so happy for us. It was a magical night that I will never forget.

We were also lucky enough to travel to Mohegan Sun in Connecticut for two more Phish concerts the week after Fenway. I have been exhausted and trying to catch up on rest ever since.

I am totally loving being engaged and planning for the wedding. Holy crap! I’m going to be a Mrs. soon! Expect more posts soon as now I have a little more time to focus.